I Am A Childfree Black Woman, And That Is Okay

I am a childfree Black woman and my decision to be childfree has zero trauma attached to it. I come from a two-parent household, and my parents have even been married for more than 30 years. I had a decent childhood and was never made to take on adult responsibilities as a kid. When my 7th-grade Geography teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I simply replied with “I am going to be a cat lady”. I do not believe I have ever wanted children. I do not recall having a maternal instinct or feeling something stir deep within me whenever I saw a newborn baby. I have never had a negative attitude towards babies, but I have never had a positive one either. I was simply neutral. When I play video games like the Sims, I always make my characters have big families, but when it comes to having children of my own, I am simply not interested.

While the maternal mortality rates for pregnant Black women are extremely alarming, they are not the reason why I am childfree. If someone were to wave a magic wand and get rid of the medical racism that results in the deaths of pregnant Black women, I would still not want a child. The political situation of the United States is also not why I am childfree. Bad politics has never stopped a single soul on this Earth from reproducing. We see women bear children while living in war-torn countries on a daily basis. Economic factors do not influence my decision to be childfree either. Do not get me wrong. Kids are very expensive, but so is my laser hair removal, and I still manage to get treatments done every other month or so. My choice to be childfree is simply because I want to be. I do not need a traumatic story attached to my choice in order to validate my decision to not embrace motherhood.

Our society has a hard time understanding that there are countless Black women who live peaceful lives and make selections that are not rooted in trauma. I find it very strange, creepy, and condescending when people bring up racism or politics whenever a Black woman states that she is childfree. It is almost as if people do not believe Black women are capable of simply rejecting the role of being a mother for themselves and themselves only. They must attach a deeper meaning to a Black woman’s choice if that choice only benefits herself. Apparently, only white and Asian women are allowed to be childfree for self-serving or selfish reasons. Deep down, a lot of people, both conservative and liberal, still believe in the mammy stereotype and assume all Black women are born with profound maternal instincts. They believe all Black women have a strong desire to be motherly to everyone. A considerable amount of Black female representation is dominated by single mother storylines, so that also plays a large role in why the mammy stereotype is still going strong in today’s society. It would be refreshing, for once, to see a show that centers the life experiences of a childfree Black woman.

Another aspect of being a childfree Black woman is the disconnect you begin to feel from your own race due to not being a mother. The Black community hinges its existence on Black male worship. Since most Black men do not see the value or importance of marriage, a lot of Black women prove their loyalty to the Black community by birthing Black children. The Black community does not value the lives of Black girls, so only Black mothers with sons are rewarded socially, double points if the son is darkskin, and triple points if said Black mother raises her son as a struggling single mother. Childfree Black women are of no benefit to Black males and largely are ignored by the majority of the Black community. This can cause many childfree Black women to become desperate for acceptance and overcompensate by playing into the “rich Black auntie” trope. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your nieces or nephews every once in a while, I do not believe childfree Black women should be made to feel guilty for not “continuing the Black race” by having children of their own. It is not the job of Black women to create more Black children. It is the job of Black men to build strong and safe communities that allow Black women who want children to feel comfortable giving birth. Since Black men feel no obligation to build or provide for their own community like other races of men do, as shown by the 70% out-of-wedlock birth rate for Black children, childfree Black women should not feel any responsibility to take care of children that are not theirs. If Black men can abandon the Black community, childfree Black women can divest from the Black community as well. It is one thing to occasionally help one of your siblings or cousins babysit, but childfree Black women should not allow themselves to become the de-facto step-parent for a community that does not even value them in the first place. The Black community needs to hold Black fathers accountable for their anti-social behavior and stop letting Black men neglect their children.

Despite the judgement I receive, I love reminding people that I do not have any children. I think it is very important for childfree Black women to make our presence known and show a different side of Black womanhood to the world. I love to see the look of shock on people’s faces when they realize they cannot force a motherly role onto me. It brings me great joy. Does that make me psychotic? Does that make me heartless? Do I need to check myself into a mental asylum? Honestly, I do not care. This is exactly why I do not have children. I can be as crazy and quirky as I want to be without attaching a child into my messy life. I am childfree Black woman, a future old cat lady, and I love it!